Overheard in Brooklyn: Douchey Couples

Ladies, in my two short weeks of living on my own in Brooklyn I have come to a realization: all of our friends and family people  are shit-talking us to their boyfriends. On multiple occasions while dining or brunching solo, I have overheard some variation of the following convo:

Boyfriend: Your friend/sister/cousin is so ugly.

Apparent Girlfriend: What? No.

Boyfriend: No, Babe. Babe. Babe, no. Her face looks like a toaster mated with a watermelon. Babe.

Girlfriend: But I think she’s so pretty!

Boyfriend: No Babe. Just no.

The incident that established this prototype happened at a table behind me at a Spanish place in Greenpoint. From what I could hear, they were systematically addressing the attractiveness of all females on the GF’s Instagram. What kind of asshole does this, seriously? Who sits down and says, “Hey, how about you tell me how attractive or unattractive everyone I love is, and when we don’t agree you can belittle my opinion?” But only the women. Funny how that works, eh?

 

For the record, I would not have banged this guy.

I imagine he’s an aspiring pop star, currently shopping a single entitled “Babe (Babe, No).”

Arguably worse were the couple I encountered in back room restaurant of a Scandi joint that did tasting menus with beer pairings (review to come, possibly). The guy and the girl were equally wangs. A match made in dick heaven. My butt jostled their water glasses on my way into the booth. They got their revenge by being horribly annoying the rest of the night. They were very concerned with random celebrity body parts; Chris O' Dowd’s penis (“You mean his real penis?”), Scar Jo's boobs (“But were they like, her actual boobs?”).

 

When the girl declared that teaching is the easiest profession to do if you have kids, I nearly threw my glass of Seson in her face. Also, she did physical affection like an alien working hard to pass undetected amongst the humans. She kept leaning forward to jerkily rub the knee of her companion in a circular motion. It reminded me simultaneously of curry combing a horse and a vigorous handjob. Later she did a thing that might actually been an attempted handy-j. She also did this rambunctious patting thing that did not look pleasant.

The artisanal beer that almost ended up in some tramp's face.

 

"She's pretty thin. Not very chesty, though." The guy said, apparently of a family member. You guys, this is how all of your male relatives discuss your body behind your back to their pretentious alien girlfriend.

Furthermore, I would like to say to all couples and people who dine in groups, when you are seated next to a solo gal who looks engrossed in a history of Byzantium/ Vonnegut paperback/slowly decomposing journal, she can hear you. She can see your hand on your man friend’s wang and it is making her uncomfortable.

It’s making everyone uncomfortable. Go back to your room and screw, pervs.

So, I guess the point of all this is to say Thank You to any of my friends or family people who have ever had this conversation:

Boyfriend: Erin is so ugly. She looks like a potato mated with a firetruck.

Utter Goddess: Hey, fuck you, I love Erin, and I couldn’t give a shit if you think she’s attractive.

Star Goddess Extraordinaire: Also? Erin is super pretty. Suck it.

 

Friends and family people: DUMP THIS GUY. The only ass he should be giving this much consideration to is yours. Or maybe porn butts (I’m a realist).