Ten Signs You May Be in a Food Coma….

10. Your million year old great aunt has had more wine than is really healthy for ladies of that age and she is still beating you at Canasta, Monopoly, touch football, whatever you play after the family turkey orgy.

 

 (Note: my great aunt always tells me that it is physically impossible for me to be prettier, therefore she is my favorite relative. Furthermore, we’ve seen an old picture of her and she looked like a movie star. My cousin said she looked like a “sex fiend” which was a gross overstatement, and also just gross. I mean, damn Aunt Betty, keep your knickers on!)

9. There is a mostly empty plate in front of you, wiped clean of gravy and littered with the debris of green bean casserole, turkey, and your hopes of ever wearing a size 6. You don’t remember how the plate got that way.

8. You haven’t had sex for weeks (okay, months), but you appear to be pregnant. You regret not wearing something with an empire waist.

7. Your grandmother insists on cleaning your ears out with a q-tip and it comes out covered in gravy. You have gravy-brain.

6. A couch seems to have materialized underneath you. Your body is melting. You have become one with the couch.

5. You consider having a bit of a vom, just to clear some real estate in your stomach, but going to the bathroom would mean leaving the couch, which is now against your religion.

4. Your Dad/Aunt/distant relative whose name you can never remember is asking when you’re going to get married/get a job/have unprotected sex until a baby shoots out of your vag, but all you can hear is a slight buzzing noise.

3. You keep trying to lift the double bottle of Beaujolais you’ve been drinking from, but it suddenly weighs a ton. What the hell, man? You’ve been working out (no, you haven’t). Did someone put fucking bricks in the Beaujolais? What kind of arch-asshole would….wait, you may be drunk too. Go take a nap, wino.

2. Your English language skills have deteriorated to the point that you are communicating using only grunts and primitive gestures. Somehow everyone seems to know that "bluuuuuunggggleeeeegaaaaaahhhhhhhhrrrr" means "We've been watching Football all day, can we at least catch the news? I need to know if we're getting sweater weather tomorrow."

1. Your heart rate is slowing down, all of your movements feel as if you’re underwater.  Like, seriously, how much pumpkin pie did you eat? You probably have nutmeg poisoning. Go to the hospital.

 

Happy Thanksgiving from the cutest puppy ever, and from me.

But I guess it means more coming from him because he is cuter than me, no matter what my Great Aunt says.